Often growing up I can remember thinking I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, or smart enough. I am not exactly sure when those ideas started forming in my head and why I constantly thought I had to compare myself to others. Sadly I confirmed some of those ideas with little comments here and there that I heard from friends and family. Now looking back I am sure the comments were off the cuff supposed to be funny or people weren’t even serious but somehow in my twisted brain they clung to me. Those comments and words enforced my insecurities.
For years I battled myself, my inner thoughts, my inner critic. The more I bettered myself and grew the quieter those voices would be. But like the waves on an ocean they would come back, loud and vicious. It wasn’t until I had my son that I finally was able to see a glimpse of myself as God sees me.
I remember it so vividly. When I sat in that hospital bed holding my son. This wave of calming peace came over me. I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and my breath was taken away. Literally! I was overwhelmed with how perfectly made he was. Not just because he had ten fingers and ten toes (I did count them) but the greatness this child had within him. This little thing hadn’t even spoken a word or done anything to prove that he was funny, or brilliant in any way. Yet there I was in awe of how powerful he was and how he was full of unlimited potential.
In that moment it clicked! That is how God sees me. Tears rolled down my face as I thought how crazy it was that I had gone all those years critiquing every detail of myself, breaking myself down, when I too am powerful and full of unlimited potential. I would love to say I hung on to that moment and immediately started living my life just as I saw myself in that moment. It has taken me years of learning to get rid of that inner enemy.
Les Brown quoted an African proverb “When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm.”
I truly believe there is nothing I can’t do. Nothing I can’t learn, and there is nothing that I am fearful of. I whole heartedly believe that what you speak over yourself is manifested. In getting to this place I no longer worry about what people say about me. That doesn’t mean opinions don’t matter, I just don’t let other’s opinions of myself and my goals deter me from where I’m going. I have learned the opinions of others are founded in their own insecurities and understandings anyways (but that’s for another blog).
Like I said to get to this place in my life has taken many years. The little baby that I held in my arms isn’t so little any more. I am so very thankful that he still lets me hold him and hug him but that little baby is a young man standing at one of the cross roads in life. Just about to graduate high school where he must choose a direction. Where he will go to college, and what he will study. It kills me sometimes when I hear him speak negatively of himself. When I hear him talk about the self doubt and insecurities he has. I just want to shake him! I know it is his journey in life and he has to learn to believe in himself. I just can’t help seeing him like I saw him for the very first time.
How young and dumb we all really are! How many years we waste on stuff that doesn’t matter. Fighting an inner battle on thoughts that are based on falsehoods.
As a mom all you want your kids to do is go out in the world and be happy. He rolls his eyes when I tell him how handsome and smart he is. Telling me “you have to say that you’re my mom”. If only he could see what I see. Despite his imperfections and the dumb stuff he does, I can’t help but see he has the world in the palm of his hands. Like everyone else he has unlimited potential and greatness waiting to be unleashed if only he is willing to believe in himself.
